`GhOdACK's Book of Jokes`

(Last updated on March 12, 1998)

CONDOM JOKE
A man walks past a house when a used condom comes flying out of the second floor window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The passerby asks, "Who's in your room upstairs?" The elderly man replies,"I can't see how it's any of your business. Since you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs. The passerby hands him the used condom and says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!"

MORE CONDOM JOKES
Q) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A) Make a tire and call it a good year.

Q) What's the difference between 365 condoms and a tire...
A) A tire might be a goodyear, but 365 condoms is a GREAT year!

Q) Why do cowboys use denim condoms?
A) Because they shrink to fit.

Q) Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers?
A) You turn them inside out and shake the f**k out of 'em.

Q) Did you hear about the new West Virginian rubbers?
A) They're open-ended for more sensitivity.

Q) How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A) Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper.

Q) What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A) You can unscrew a light bulb.

Q) Written on a condom vending machine:
A) These chewing gums don't taste too good!!!

Q) Written on another one of the condom vending machines:
A) For refund, insert baby.

Q) What do you call grit in a condom?
A) An organ grinder!

Q) Why did the condom fly across the room?
A) Because it got pissed off.

Q) What are the three sizes in which condoms are sold?
A) Large, medium, and Caucasian.

Q) What does Kodak and a condom have in common?
A) You use both to catch those special moments!!!

Q) When is the best time to wear a condom?
A) On every conceivable occasion!

I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a "Tested to British Safety Standards" sign on it.
Underneath someone had scrawled, So was the Titanic!!!

A VIRGIN AND A PRIEST
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"

GEORGE THE MAILMAN'S LAST DAY
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

COOKIES RECIPE FROM THE USA
My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert. Because our family are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and they said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Two fifty." I said with approval, just add it to my tab. Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." BOY, WAS I UPSET!! I called Neiman's accounting dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two fifty," and I did not realize she meant $250.00 for a cookie recipe. I asked them to take back the recipe and reduce my bill and they said they were sorry, but because all the recipes were this expensive so not just everyone could duplicate any of our bakery recipes....the bill would stand. I waited, thinking of how I could get even or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00 and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover will have a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus for nothing. She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "I'm sorry but this is the only way I feel I could get even," and I will. So, here it is, and please pass it to someone else or run a few copies....I paid for it; now you can have it for free.

(Recipe may be halved.)

2 cups butter
4 cups flower
2 tsp. soda
2 cups sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal**
24 oz. chocolate chips
2 cups brown sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp. baking powder
3 cups chopped nuts (yourchoice)
2 tsp. vanilla

** measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.

Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies.

GOOD, BAD AND WORSE.....
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.
Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner..
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them!

CONTACT LENSES
There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really upset and threw the guy out. The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out. Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy replied "Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses." Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?" The guy burst out laughing and said, "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!"

VIRUS JOKES
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS: Suddenly appears from nowhere, promises to upgrade all your applications, gains control of your computer, then totally corrupts your entire system for four years.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in L.A., but your data winds up in Dallas.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:\.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour owtt watt!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shuts down as an act of mercy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS (Contributed by Janet Snyder from California, USA)
Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

THE FIRST EXPERIENCE - THE VIRGIN
It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off >for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

HITAKUSHI
There once was a young and somewhat inexperienced young exec named Bill. One day, his boss informed Bill that he was to go to Japan for his first international function. Upon his arrival at the hotel in Japan, Bill was greeted by a beautiful, young Geisha girl. She gracefully presented him with a bouquet of flowers (courtesy of the hotel). 'Hmm' Bill thought to himself, 'She is quite sexy'. He decided to ask her if she would mind coming up to his room that evening. With a beautiful smile, she agreed and later that evening, appeared at his door. They had spectacular sex. But still, something puzzled Bill. It was the fact that during their lovemaking session, the young geisha kept muttering the word "Hitakushi,Hitakushi" over and over again. Being the young and somewhat blur innocent that he was, Bill came to the conclusion that since the girl obviously enjoyed herself as much as he did. "Hitakushi" must be somehing the Japanese said when confronted with a wonderful or great situation. Therefore it meant that he was very good at sex. This pleased Bill tremendously. The following night, the same young girl appeared at his door and again, they had sex. And as before, the girl kept saying the word "Hitakushi" repeatedly. Bill was no longer just pleased, he was ecstatically happy. In his mind, he pictured himself as a super stud.

As his stay in Japan came to a close, Bill's last duty was to play a round of golf with one of the Japanese big shots. The two men were having a terrible time and terrible luck until they arrived at the 9th hole. There was where the Japanese millionaire sunk a spectacular shot. Thrilled, Bill realized that now was the perfect time to practise the new Japanese word that he had learnt. He began to jump up and down shouting "Hitakushi! Hitakushi!" The Japanese man, at first looking a bit stunned, turned angrily to Bill and demanded "What do you mean WRONG HOLE!?!!"

HOLY WATER
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath.

The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

HEADACHE
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?""It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" ... "It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" .. "It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

HUNTING
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

BIRTH
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us." "OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted. "Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

BALLOONS
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why? Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming "Oh God, I'm coming!"

Vibrator
An old lady comes to the drugstore and asks for a vibrator. The pharmacist shows her the whole stand, and she says : "well, I'd like that red one, please", and he replies : "I'm sorry, lady, the fire extinguisher isn't for sale"!!

PHOTO
This kid's mother is bothering him to see a photo home from college. The only photo he had was of himself totally nude. He though he'd just cut it in half and send the top half only. A few weeks later he gets a letter from his grandmother requesting a photo. He didn't want to make her feel bad, but he had no other photo.Being that grandma was all but blind, the kid decides to send the bottom half of his nude photo to his grandmother figuring she wouldn't see it any way. A week later he receives a nice letter from grandma. She said, "you look great, but your hairstyle makes your nose looks long."

ROYAL FLUSH?
Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in. St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity." St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day." Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!" "Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

NO TIME WASTED
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful woman in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusades."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman apporached. It was the knight's best friend. He said, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key."

Clinton & The Pope
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope gets was to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-bye as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.
President Clinton: No problem.
Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.
President Clinton: Why's that? It's not that great.
Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.
President Clinton: Sorry, Your Holiness, You're a day late.

The Diagnosis
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

Heaven's Full
One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell. The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell." "Ok," the man says. "Well, for awhile I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just wouldn't let go, so I ran and got a hammer and beat his hands until he fell into the bushes below. I saw he was still alive so I got the refrigerator and pushed over the edge on top of him. But the strain of the effort gave me a heart attack and I died. "Wow!" St. Peter said. "That really is bad! You can go ahead..." The next man walked up and St. Peter gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story. "Ok," the second man said. "So I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and everyday I do exercises on my balcony. Well, today I fell over the edge, but luckily I caught the railing of the balcony below me. = But suddenly, this man came running out and started beating at my hands. He ran back inside and I thought I was safe, but then he came back out with hammer and beat my hands again. I finally fell off, but luckily I landed in the bushes below and they saved my life. But that wasn't enough for the man because he pushed his refrigerator over the edge and it landed on me and killed me. And now I'm here." "Wow, that's a good one too! You can go ahead..." The third man walked up and St. Peter again gave his spiel about Heaven being full and the man would have to tell his story of how he died. "Ok," the third man said. "I don't know what happened. I was hiding naked inside of a refrigerator..."

The Age of Consent
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

>> THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN >> = >> >>Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He=20 >>asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. >A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy=20 >>themselves. >> >>They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither >one of them is seeing anybody else. >> >>And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to=20 >>Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you=20 >>realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for >exactly six months?'' >> >>And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a >very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers >him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our >relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obl igation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. >> >>And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.=20 >> >>And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind >of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so >I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the >way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are >we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are >we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? >Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this >person? >> >>And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see=20 >> >>.February when we started going out, which was right after I had the=20 >>car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . >.=20 >>Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.=20 >> >>And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe >I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our=20 >>relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --=20 >>even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, >I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his >own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.=20 >> >>And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the >transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is >shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. >> >>And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be >angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't >help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.=20 >> >>And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day=20 >>warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.=20 >> >>And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a=20 >>knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right >next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I >>truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A >person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic >fantasy. = >> >> >> >>And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them >a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up=20 >>their.... .=20 >> >>''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud. >> >>''What?'' says Roger, startled.=3D >> >>''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes=20 >> >>beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . .Oh God, >I feel so.....'' >> >>(She breaks down, sobbing.) >> >>''What?'' says Roger. >> >>''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. >I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no >horse.'' >> >>''There's no horse?'' says Roger. >> >>''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.=20 >> >>''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.=20 >> >>''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine=20 >>says.=20 >> >>(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,=20 >>tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one >that he thinks might work.) >> >>''Yes,'' he says. >> >>(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)=20 >> >>''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.=20 >> >>''What way?'' says Roger. >> >>''That way about time,'' says Elaine. >> >>''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.'' >> >>(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him >to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it >>involves a horse. At last she speaks.) >> >>''Thank you, Roger,'' she says. >> >>''Thank you,'' says Roger. >> >>Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, >tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his >place, heopens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two=20 >>Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses >of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in >the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand >>what, and so he figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. >(This is also Roger's policyregarding world hunger.) >> >>The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of=20 >>them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. >In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and >everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every >>possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, >off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite=20 >>conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.=20 >> >>Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual >friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?' Separation bar!

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